The Strip/Nude Dance Club Scene
A Different Perspective

How To Enjoy High - Touch, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Not Just Bodies As Sex Objects


Update: I wrote this about my experience in Phoenix clubs prior to the 1998 law changed which outlawed most contact.  Therefore these options are no longer available in Phoenix or most places in the U.S. which is why I enjoy going to Canada with more sexual freedoms but since only there 7-10 days at a time don't develop the relationship with dancers like I use to in Phoenix clubs.  However, this report still shows the power of good touch intimacy with dancers.

I have been going to Phoenix nude and topless clubs for almost ten years, but with a different purpose than just gawking at nude or topless women. Other cities may offer similar experiences.  I am weird in that I have little interest in the dancing or naked bodies to look at. I've been accustomed to nudity for many years doing Esalen massage and teaching intimacy workshops for couples. I am turned off by the tease but turned on by loving, slow, women-centered touch, not gyrating bodies. I enjoy meeting different women who also enjoy good touch. Most of the seductive dancer ads are pure rip-offs unless you want to be just teased. This report is not for men just looking for hot babes.  It is for those men seeking more intimacy and human non-sexual interaction.

Certain clubs in Phoenix and other cities offer much more wholesome activities than just the typical tease and titillation of most strip dancers. Yes, they have the women doing their erotic dances, but they also offer the opportunity to meet and legally interact with the dancers as real humans, not just sex objects. As an intimacy counselor I realize as a society we need more high quality caring touch between men and women. Not just sexual touch, but the simple acts of holding hands, hugging, stroking, holding in the arms etc. This is much more intimate and meaningful to me then groping and poking body parts. I also know most men have been conditioned to want more "macho" just being teased.  The web is full of these hot babe sites.   My approach is very different that may open some men up to more intimate experiences.  Intimacy is not the same as sex!

Good touch, even nonsexual, causes the body to release its powerful endorphins. These endorphins are natural pain relievers, which create a healing, relaxing situation for the whole body. For men, certain clubs with certain dancers offer the opportunity for such interaction.

In sharing my personal experiences I hope that others will come to enjoy quality touch and support the clubs and dancers that offer such experiences. Twenty years ago I was very insecure, lonely and depressed. I first came to enjoy positive experiences in similar clubs in Minneapolis that benefited me greatly. Today I enjoy teaching men and sharing with a wide variety of women. My journey in finding and sharing intimacy has transformed my relationships with women over the years. I wonder as I look at other men in the clubs if some of them are like I was many years ago.

20 years ago, many women reacted negatively to me, sensing neediness and insecurity. But slowly over time I found women strangely attracted to me...especially once they started to experience my touch. For many years I thought all men were naturally wonderfully intimate and I was just far behind. But many women told me they have seldom experienced men with good touch and intimacy skills. I wondered why.

I've concluded that most men want to be intimate but some haven't learned how. Other than the Sex,Love and Intimacy Workshops, (NOTE: Link is to our Liberated Christians Cyber Center use BACK to return here) presented by Stan Daleís, Human Awareness Institute and held all over the world, I've never found any other group where intimacy is really taught. Women seem much more naturally intimate and seek intimacy from men. Too often women have to be satisfied with just sex. Intimacy can be a lot more threatening at first than just sex, but can be, at least for me, much more fulfilling. We have many examples of this in our Liberated Christians Fellowship Group where many men are uncomfortable at first with intimacy.

Certain clubs allow you to experiment in good nonsexual touch. One suggestion is to learn good back and neck massage. I find most women quickly melt in my hands. Get some professional massage training if you can. Show dancers you can loosen their tight necks and that you really are interested in something other than just their bodies as sex objects. While most men go for the breasts, I go for the neck and back, which many women appreciate.

So many dancers tell me some men just want to be hugged, but most men don't have a clue about good nonsexual touch. Many dancers tell me they appreciate good touch but seldom find men that want anything more than grabbing and groping. In our society, uptight about so many sexual issues, most men and women do not get enough good touch. Many dancers have told me how great it is just to have me hold them, cuddle, lightly squeezing and stroking them and they wish more men would do this. I share this not to boast, but to perhaps open men up to the opportunities in learning more quality touch and intimacy that can be more fulfilling than being a macho stud or having a naked woman bouncing her body in your face.

In each club there is a wide range of dancers. Some don't want any touch. They just want to be a sex object to tease men who tip well to gawk and be teased. Other dancers are "lovely warm spirits" not just nipples and cunts. Some dancers genuinely enjoy caring, nonsexual touch and will cuddle up warmly and enjoy men caressing their bodies if they detect another warm spirit - as opposed to groping hands.

WARNING - if you are just a creep trying to get sex or thrills from groping you may find yourself tossed out very quickly. NO SEXUAL ACTIVITY IS EVER ALLOWED by clubs in Phoenix. The dancers are not the street hookers that may be outside, but college students, happily married women and single moms supporting a family. They should all be treated with dignity and respect.

Forget any ideas of dating the dancers; most have no interest as almost all are in good relationships or married. I would love to meet dancers outside the clubs to give massage and share more intimacy. However, while I am usually very popular at the clubs, I haven't had much success at dating dancers - although I haven't tried very hard either. I'm old enough to be their father, which may also make me less dateable! But I know most dancers are not available or interested in dating customers. Most clubs also have a no-dating-customers rule for dancers.

Most of you men are much better looking than me! It's certainly not my body nor my tipping that dancers like. I have never tipped a dancer and sadly they make hardly any money from the lap dance fee. I recommend YOU tip generously. I do it more as a social experiment and it is very expensive even without ever tipping since so many dancers what to be with me (see more details in phxnudeclubs.html). I am 50 years old, slightly paunchy, with graying temples. Men, regardless of their age or body perfection, can develop a warm inner spirit and develop good touch skills that are enjoyed by dancers and other women. Most of the dancers are in there 20ís. Of course men should dress neatly and be clean just like you would on a date. Often women prefer older men because often it's us old antiques (to a 20 year-old) that have learned good intimacy, which is more important to most women then being with a macho stud.

Another Man shares how Clubs Helped Him
Build Confidence with Women
I receive so many letters from men thanking me for these reviews over the years and they wonderfully share their own painful experiences and how the interaction at some clubs have helped them so much overcome their fear of women or intimacy or to get badly needed self confidence. Not all men are the macho types that just want to gawk at womenís bodies. Many are hungry for the wholesome interaction some clubs provide. The following is just one of many examples: In a letter this person shares:

"I very much agree with you on these issues. I am 25, intelligent, and well employed but have no social life. My mother & grandmother raised me and did everything possible to keep me away from the opposite sex including forbidding me to date until I was 18 and keeping me nice and fat. To this day they still buy me mounds of chocolate & candy at regular intervals although I just give it away now. Over the last 2 years I've moved out into my own apartment and lost about 100 pounds. I have a number of male friends but I don't really know any women. I have a good career since I've buried myself in it to avoid hating myself. Unfortunately I have absolutely no ability to relate to women.

Awhile back I started working from home, and I don't go to school, so basically I lost any chance of meeting someone. I recently decided that I HAVE to do something about this NOW, so I've started calling a date line. Actually I think I lucked out because it is reasonably priced (you can listen to ads for free you just pay to leave responses) and I've talked to about 10 different women over the phone in the month I've been using the service. I've personally met 3 of them, which didn't go very well. Now that I've found a way to meet women I still can't deal with it when I meet them.

Over the phone I'm fine. I've had conversations with them up to 2-3 hours at a time and everything was going fine. But, when I actually get in the same room as them I get nervous. The major problem is that if I ever get anywhere near close to them warning bells go off in my head. So I never approach them or get near them and of course a good night kiss is completely out of the question. Just as always I can make friends with women but I can't take it beyond that.

I assume you read my last E-mail about the Great Alaskan Bush Company and my comments about Laura. I have little difficulty being near the girls there, thanks to Laura. When I first went there I was scared as hell (it took me 10 shots of Goldschlager in the parking lot to get myself inside). Luckily I met Laura that first time and she sat with me for about 30 min. (I only paid for 2 songs) and we talked and cuddled. It was the first time I had ever actually touched a woman, and she was so warm and receptive. Needless to say I became a regular customer and eventually friends with her. She even started getting me into giving her massages - I now think that may have been indirectly caused by you (small world). (Daveís note: see review In Phoenix Club section of Alaskan Bush where it has turned into just a tease bar with wholesome touch no longer allowed).

Well, the gist of my story is that I've always been shy, I'm quite terrified of being close to women (more physically than mentally, but both) and I'm not exactly a "pretty boy" (although I donít think Iím UGLY). Lastly my final problem is that if I did manage to get past those the fact that Iím 25 and don't have any idea how to satisfy a woman stops me dead in my tracks."

Dave again: I thank the many men that write sharing their most personal concerns. We always respect confidentiality with no personal info given. But it shows why we share ideas and specific clubs and dancers that may offer perhaps more help than years worth of talking about it with a therapist in an office.

Letters from Other Men that Enjoy Intimacy and Explain It So Well
Based on my discussion I got some WONDERFUL E-mail from a bunch of men that did understand exactly what I was talking about when I say I'm more in a love mode than a sex mode and how that has such powerful positive effects on many dancers I've shared it with.

Some men were so glad I expressed what they were also feeling since they thought they were the only men that enjoyed loving intimate touch instead of just a sexy turn on. I feel I need to be more visible in sharing this in
hopes it will give other men ideas on the potential fulfillment that can come from dancer (and all sex workers) interactions that is so much more fulfilling to some of us than just a sexual experience.

I wish to quote some of the comments. They express better perhaps than I have exactly what I have tried to share over the years. Privacy is respected since I have deleted any personal identifying information.

One man said: "Enlightening to see something of this nature on the net!!! I have for years been the 'weird' one who got more pleasure from pleasing a women than having her please me. I would rather spend hours of hugging, touching and playing than have 'traditional intercourse'".

Another man said he felt that we were clones and how he was very much kindred spirit with me. He expressed it so well: "Lap dancing can be intoxicating--to me--for the intimacy and cuddling that some dancers really enjoy. I honestly am not there for the grind, whether as a show or in my lap--in fact, I'm often not sexually aroused that much in clubs, because my agenda is different. I like to "dance" with the dancer, using light, gentle touch, massage, and/or kissing, and in the process create a sensual encounter that is mutually pleasant, exciting, and generally unexpected by the dancer. I've spoken to enough dancers to realize that many, if not most men, are primarily interested in groping and "having their rock polished" as thoroughly as possible--maybe having an orgasm in the process, or setting the stage for orgasm later. This may speak volumes about how sex and intimacy, in men, are often unrelated--or poorly related. On the other hand, this could be a theory that holds no water when dealing in human encounters that are mostly based on fantasy. In my opinion though, the dancer and customer can break through that barrier--as human beings--when they are comfortable in the role of "unacquainted intimacy"...and arouse both parties' sensuality in a genuine, unrehearsed manner.

I don't wish to imply that men who enter clubs primarily to touch women and have their penises stroked (indirectly) is an inferior, crass activity; it's just that I am looking to experience something different--a different type of closeness, a different nature of human exchange through touch and warmth. Dancers are prime candidates for this type of therapy, because the nature of their work--in specific locations where this type of contact is legal--brings them physically within your reach. In many ways, the sensation is like being with an emotionally involved lover--with very little prior contact, or time-consuming courtship rituals. (By the way, I don't think these encounters are at all preferable to developing a "real", long-term relationship with a loving partner in life. They are, however, a refreshing adjunct to one...)

Many dancers are trained professionals; some are burned out, some are not. Some don't like crossing the barrier into a truly "intimate" encounter. I can tell when a dancer doesn't like to be caressed and prefers the encounter to be more emotionally detached, for whatever reason. Other dancers, though, are very receptive to being stroked and held--in a human sense, being cared about--and reciprocate in a manner that can be deliciously erotic...with no sex implied, or expected.

I'm strongly attracted to the simple, human beauty of having a naked woman in my arms that is genuinely surprised, receptive, and moved in a perceptible way by someone that just wants to hold her, make her feel cared for, and admire the lovely texture of her form and spirit...just for herself. Obviously, the setting of nudity and exposure of her body colors both her and my response--sometimes, I think I'm drawn to the environment just *because* I can broadcast a primarily affectionate, *generally* non-sexual vibe in what is normally a highly sexually charged environment for men...

I, like you, have been told many times by dancers that virtually no one has touched them like I have, except maybe by a lover out of the club--and sometimes, not even then. I consider it a rare compliment, a major *emotional* turn-on, and in some way, reaffirms my humanity and a sense that I'm doing the right thing...maybe for someone who needs reassurance that all men aren't beasts driven by a confused, carnal element...maybe for someone who truly *needs* the unique style of healing that only human closeness, touch, and warmth can provide...that becomes separated, ironically, from the erotic web that the dancer usually spins in her nakedness...

I've wondered *why* I'm wired this way, and it amuses me to think about it sometimes. But, I'm secure in my relationships and my sexuality, I don't confuse fantasy with reality, and when I return to the routine of my life, I don't ache with despair and try to return to an environment I sincerely enjoy...before I reasonably can.

I understand how you feel and what you're doing. IMO, it's a positive approach in a world that can be tawdry and exploitative."

The above expresses so well exactly how I (Dave in Phoenix) also feel.

Sex Education 101 Why Men Are Attracted To Strip Clubs
Everyone knows all this, but might be interesting review
Basics of Male Sexual Stimulation - As Nature intended - Arousal & Erection
Arousal is controlled by the brain and based on genetics and other factors different stimulus arouses different people. We have no choice in what is arousing to us.

In a male, if he sees or reads something that excites him sexually, the messages are transmitted to the portion of the brain that controls sexual response. Initially this does not create an erection but an electrical impulse is transmitted to the tiny cowpers glands, located along the sides of the urethra. These glands produce a few drops of the clear slippery fluid that forms at the tip of the penis. The function of this fluid is to act as a lubricant for sexual intercourse. Itís pH level is high (perhaps to decrease the acidity of the vagina increasing likelihood of sperm survival), and its very slippery (to help enter the vagina).

At this early stage or arousal the man suddenly feels very good, psychologically, as the brain is flooded with natural chemicals (endorphins) that are very enjoyable and make the man want to continue the sexual arousal. The reason pornography sells well and strip dancers are so enjoyed by men is because it often elicits this response of physiological well being. In gay men, the arousal mechanism works the same, but the object of sexual attraction is another man.

Erection occurs after a period of arousal. In young men it may be very soon after initial arousal and without any need for manual stimulation of the penis. As men age, arousal can continue indefinitely without erection, which may need additional manual help. Erection occurs when the spongy tissues of the penis are engorged with blood. There is one large primary artery bringing blood into the penis, and several smaller veins that drain blood out of the penis. When not sexually stimulated there is a balance of blood flow in and out and the penis is flaccid. However, when stimulated, the artery becomes wide open, the heart rate and blood pressure increase and more blood is pumped into the penis. At the same time, valves in the veins controlling the outflow are squeezed shut so the penis enlarges. As men age, sludge builds up in the artery and blood inflow slows. Smoking makes this worse and alcohol decreases the ability of the nervous system to close off the valves in the veins. Keeping physically fit is just as beneficial to ones sexual heath as it is is for good heart, lungs and other body organs.

Learning how to lengthen the arousal and erection period while delaying orgasm is an important part of maximizing sexual pleasure. As the erection proceeds, the physical sensations become increasingly more and more exciting, and the psychological pressure to ejaculate becomes more and more intense. The ideal is to keep the stimulation just below the level required to ejaculate while learning to deal with the increasing psychological pressure to ejaculate. Like driving a racing car closer and closer to the wall at ever high speeds, the psychological pleasure becomes more and more intense, the longer the arousal can be maintained without ejaculation, the greater the enjoyment for the man. Furthermore, the longer ejaculation can be delayed, the more pleasure can be shared with the women, who usually requires a much longer period to become fully aroused. A woman can also remain sexually stimulated and enjoy sexual pleasure far longer than the man and often can have multiple orgasms without the refractory period that most men require after ejaculation.

Frequent ejaculation is needed for healthy sexual function. In young men ejaculation typically occurs at least once a day either by having sex or masturbation. As we age, frequency becomes less but varies greatly. If you are not properly using your sexual organs nature provides a last resort - wet dreams. This is the bodyís natural way of keeping healthy if you donít exercise your sex organs as nature intended. Lack of frequent ejaculation can lead to prostate blockage and other problems. Our sexual organs are designed for use and enjoyment, not to be considered shameful or to feel guilt by expressing our natural sexual responses.

While this discussion involves male sexuality, for women the mechanics are slightly different but the healthy benefits and good feelings are similar. We have discussed female sexuality in detail in other articles, including G-spot orgasms, female ejaculation, etc.

The sexual organs before birth are the same for men and women. The penis in a male develops as the clit in a women etc. That is why transgendered people can have sex change operations, since all the parts are the same but based on different hormones received while in the fetus and other genetic factors we develop either male or female at birth. Sometimes the process is disturbed and odd combinations occur such as someone being emotionally one gender while being the sex or another. Another evidence of this is that in male baby the breasts can produce milk. But this soon dries up, as the hormones needed for lactation are not present in a male as he grows. For some men the breasts can be highly sexually aroused just as in women. For other men, such as myself we have no sexual stimulation in our breasts.

This is different than in homosexuals where there is no gender/sex misalignment but rather they simply have a same sex natural attraction. This occurs naturally in most all species, animals, plants etc. Others have a mixed (bisexual) orientation, which is also perfectly natural. All sexual orientations should be accepted as such by society as God intended.

In summary, both arousal and the erection stage of sexuality are physically and psychologically very enjoyable for both men and women. Men often react more to visual sexual stimulation which is why pornography, strip dancing and looking at nude women is exciting to most men. Women typically are more stimulated by sensual loving touch and more of an intimate, caring, emotional attraction to a man rather than sexual visual stimulation. One study found when shown a series of rapidly appearing and disappearing photographs men responded (as measured by eyes being dilated) mostly to naked women while women responded mostly to pictures of babies, not naked men.

In addition to the physical sexual stimulation, more and more men are finding the enjoyment of good non-sexual touch that also releases pleasurable hormones. Many men are also newly finding the pleasure of simply loving women with gentle touch, massage without any sexual stimulation. This is the where healthy interaction with sex workers, including dancers which we promote can be very fulfilling both to men and the women that offer such wholesome intimacy experiences.

Phoenix passed a new ordinance, which is common in many cities, trying to outlaw such wholesome interaction by keeping dancers at a distance from customers. As expected in a shame-based, anti-sex society, tease and titillation of body parts is much more politically acceptable than good touch and mature human interaction. The ACLU obtained an injunction prohibiting the new lawsí implementation for two years. However on December 5, 1995, it became effective. The private dances have not changed much but stages had to add silly barriers to keep dancers farther away from customers. That's the mentality of politicians. I suppose they think AIDS is going to jump out from the men to the dancer...or hands...that terrible taboo of touch the politicians fear when what we need is more good human touch not less. The bouncers will kick out anyone trying to be sexual, so we don't need repressive laws. The dancers now have to be licensed by the city like they are potentially dangerous to the morality of the community! It's the community and these laws that are sick and dangerous. The same applies to the prostitution laws. If single men could get their natural drive for sex satisfied by sex workers there would be less violence and sexual crimes. But most people in our sexually immature society just don't get it. In the clubs I review, there is no prostitution, only good touch and great nonsexual intimacy available.

See Phoenix Strip/Nude Dance Clubs If you are interested in comprehensive reviews of Phoenix Clubs

Liberated from traditional sexual repression, we promote meaningful intimacy, women-centered sexuality and responsible nonmonogamy as a legitimate moral choice. Dave has been a featured speaker at six national swing conventions in the past 2 years, sharing our ideas, which especially promote intimacy in swinging, not just recreational sex. 

The main issue for Christians is the clash between being normal, sexual human beings and the abnormal way Christian tradition (not the original biblical texts) expects us to act to conform to repressive, guilt-provoking and downright silly moral rules that have nothing to do with the Bible or Christís direction for us as his people. These views have infected our culture and adversely effect most everyone, whether Christian or not.

Our goal is to dispel the traditional myths about Christian sexuality, to promote healthier and responsible polyamous or open relationships as a very legitimate Christian alternative for those that find it much more fulfilling than strictly monogamous relationships.

Non-Christians like our ideas on caring intimacy, natural desire for sexual variety, G-spot stimulation, Sybian machine to achieve deepest orgasmic pleasures, female ejaculation, Esalen massage, male impotence and jealously the opposite of love. Nonprofit, not a church or cult.

We have an extensive cyber resource center at Dancers and sex workers also are invited to contact me as I offer free Esalen massage, emotional support and discussions of the sex business. The views of Dave do not necessarily reflect those of Liberated Christians, its other leaders or participants.

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